Thursday, February 26, 2009

Video Game Characters Best Forgotten Part 2.

'Voldo' from the Soul Calibur series.

I only picked this guy because he looks like the lovechild of Edward Scissorhands' lovechild between himself and a blind Donatella Versace. Aside from being one of the more formidable fighters in the game, Voldo also had the unique ability to make hand-bound spinning blades look really lame. A near imposssible feat.

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Academy Awards: Hit by hit

I can't keep those 50 Cent videos up for much longer. Anyone watch them yet?
Of course not, i don't click youtube links either.
To me, the Academy Awards is a really pointless exercise for Australian Television, much like every other program. The fact that every other medium has covered the shit out of it since it happened and everyone already knows the winners makes the whole scenario seem like crack-filler on an otherwise completely dilapidated walkway.
Anyway, this was kind of fun to do but i got real bored with it after a while so mind your own business.

Red carpet shenanigans. Could the questions be any more indirect and obvious? Even the actors are having trouble pretending to put up with it, and they're practically a bunch of professional liars.

Penelope Cruz's rack wins an Oscar for some movie that she was in.

Jack Black makes a joke about getting that Dreamworks money, Jennifer Aniston gets all hands across america on him. Camera strategically pans to Angelina Jolie who is laughing but secretly wants to launch buckshots in Jennifer's direction.

Wall-e wins an Oscar for being animated. I haven't seen it yet so i don't agree with the verdict. If there was any justice in the world, Bolt 3D would be the only contender for said awards.

Sarah Jessica Parker wears the biggest dress in the world and announces the best art direction nominees. Donald Graham Burt wins for Benjamin Button. Again, haven't seen it so i can't relate. I thought the Dark Knight was going to clean up tonight? Donald makes a joke and gives shout-outs to David Fincher. The crowd agrees that this is a wise career move.

Sarah Jessica's dress has somehow expanded in the last three minutes. Daniel Craig is dwarfed by her attire and i soon forget that he's standing there. There's a movie called Milk.

Michael O'connor wins an Oscar for costume design on the set of The Duchess. I haven't seen this film by choice. Will he cry?

He doesn't cry. Instead, i shed a tear over how bad television advertisements are becoming. Those two guys from the radio are really zany, i've forgotten their names.

Ad Break.

James Franco and Seth Rogan entertain with their hilarious brand of stoner comedy. It's amazing how Seth Rogan has made this shit cool again. Hearing them pronounce foreign films is hilarious and a performance that will no doubt see them up for Oscars next year.

More fucking ads.


Heath Ledger wins an Oscar. All the celebrities look much more approachable when they're about to cry. Mickey Rourke is still wearing those ridiculous sunglasses and looks like he should be refereeing cockfights in Mexico. I haven't seen the Wrestler yet either.

Ok, i can't take this anymore, i'm watching Seinfeld repeats.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

It's been a long time, i'm glad i left you, without a blog post to step to.

So i was in Melbourne recently and now i finally know why everyone in Perth will find whatever excuse they can to talk about how cool it is. Actually, scratch that. Most of the people that do this are just assholes that have little else to talk about so on that note i can't really relate. I will however, say that Melbourne is a great place where a-lot of my closest friends now reside and it's pretty crazy to think that my visit was just as worthwhile for them as it was for me, because it was.

Happily expressing every possible character trait of an annoying tourist, most of my time was spent inner city, taking photos of everything that Perth doesn't have, eating crepes and sampling the tastiest and cheapest coffee i'd ever consumed/spent money on. Here are some of the things i did and saw with a disclaimer that states it isn't my fault if you want to move there because of how face-breakingly sublime and gorgeous i made everything look.

Only the realest of men go to Melbourne on a holiday and don't move there straight afterwards.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Pretentious Dining Guide.

Having become slightly fed-up with a-lot of things as of late, the STM 'Bargain Bites' section will come under review in this particular post.

The Soaring Nacho
Shop 16, Honest Avenue, Blue Collarville.

Absolutely Adorable.
As is common practice on a sunday morning, my drinking partner and I decided that it was time to try something a little left of field, a little place wreaking of cuteness, but at the same time honest and full of peasants. I suggested our usual trendy little wine bar but Trish had something different in mind, The Soaring Nacho.

Sleek and Zing.
Located on the otherwise bogan-esque strip of Honest Avenue, The Soaring Nacho is a spicy little gem hidden inside the otherwise bland, working class mecca that is Blue Collarville. Trish entered first and as i followed, the aromas of Mexico attacked my hangover with all sorts of funky ammunition. Colourful blankets slithered up and down the cinderblock walls, unsupervised children ran carefree between the tables and we were suddenly greeted by Miguel, a hearty little servant whose body scent had me watering at the mouth. Trish was excited. I was hungry.

As we were shown to our tables, Miguel was all too happy to read the specials to us as we perused through the menus. I kindly asked him to be quiet as his constant banter was only convincing my hangover to pay another weeks rent inside the trashed penthouse loft that was my head. Trish decided to go with the huevos rancheros, which was not only a little silly in it's approach, but also really hard to pronounce! Where's the Australian alternatives? When Miguel returned to take our orders, Trish stumbled through her pronunciation as expected and i just pointed to the papas con chorizo to save myself the task of pronouncing it! On a side note though, you have to try the Spicy Coffee, apparently the Mexicans are crazy about this stuff! It was all very adorable to Trish.

El Grande Poopesto!
After some playful banter over our abstract coffees and Trish's clever comparison between the interior and a house she visited in the slums of Venezuela, Miguel brought out what looked like our food. After some serious contemplation of where to start, Trish the ever braveheart decided to dig in. I watched her expression change from confusion to outright excitement and then back to confusion again. Not one to let a plate of papas con chorizo go cold, i decided to dig into mine as well. Spicy, yet tangy, with a hint of zing and funk, i was extremely surprised at how efficient these little mexicans were at rustling up some good grub. Not even the low-brow conversations going on either side of us could stop the journey Trish and I had embarked on. Chunky hashbrowns played the backdrop to the Verde explosions whilst refreshing sips of my spicy coffee mellowed out the zing factor for an adventure that i wouldn't be forgetting for a long time. Trish and I looked at eachother and decided that those crazy blanket-making bastards had done it again.

Requiem for a Taco.
Although slightly dissapointed with the lack of sombreros and mexican chic, Trish and I made a pact to visit Miguel and his cute little restaurant once a week. The food was hearty and honest, the service was a cut above (except for our initial greeting by an overzealous Miguel) and Trish told me she felt a little more Mexican after the whole ordeal. Now we just have to wait for it to come out the other end!


Sunday, February 8, 2009

Getting smacked with the chain mail.

1. I was not born yellow.
Contrary to Seymour's blog, i was actually not born yellow. Nope, just a healthy pink sheen for myself. I also didn't cry once and i was the most co-operative new born the hospital had ever seen. The poor doctor that normally smacks you was just standing there really awkwardly, not knowing what to do with his hands. My birth was such a relaxing event that they play recordings of it in the emergency waiting room to calm the patients down.

2. My nuts saved my life.
No hidden meanings here folks, my little (or massive if you want to get scientific) fellas are actually responsible for my being here right now typing this blogger equivalent of a myspace quiz. Let me set the scene. Eight years old, camping trip, Margaret River. The site we stayed at was remarkably close to the river and some talented ex-campers had gone to the trouble of setting up a rope swing that featured as our main source of entertainment during the stay. After a couple of days of listening to the adults and following a set list of rules, my confidence felt like an imprisoned creature ready to burst out in a fit of super human feats and attention seeking. On one particular swing i decided that waiting is for pussies and grabbed the rope as some kid from another site had done his thing. I ran, jumped and swung out, much to my own enjoyment. Little did i realise that the child before me sucked at swimming and had not removed himself from the point of impact. This is when things got a little teste. I was forced to delay my extraction but the only problem with this is that the water got extremely shallow as i made my way back to the rocky out crop that was my point of departure. What do i do? Land early and break my legs or try and execute a near impossible landing back where i came from? I chose the latter. I came back to the outcrop at speed, stuck my legs out, closed my eyes and prayed. The pain i felt at impact was as much horrific as it was laced with joy at the realization that i was still alive. I had broken the collision with afformentioned nuts and at the same time, inadvertently dodged a rather sharp stick that was aimed precariously at my face. Tears followed, chicks dig scars and the rest is history.

3. I have had the worst jobs you could ever imagine.

- Trolley kid
- Labourer's labourer
- Fish salesman
- Baker's Assistant
- Office Space
- Proffesional Blogger.

Next time you're sitting around unemployed and think to yourself "maybe i should get of my ass and do something with my life!", don't. Stay at home, stay unemployed. It's safe, you get free money if you're smart and you'll never have to concern yourself with such formalities as maintaining relationships, responsibility and being a contributing member of society.

4. I won't walk or stand behind people that i think are unhygienic or sick.
I have this theory of the 'human slipstream' that involves catching filth or a disease from anyone walking in front of you. You know how formula one drivers wait behind the car in front in order to catch some sweet overtaking points? Humans are the same, except you don't get points, you get AIDS. I will generally go at least five metres out of my way to maintain a safe distance between myself and someone i think is unhealthy. Even people walking past me from the opposite direction. That small gust of wind you get from a passer-by could be carrying your demise and i'll be damned if i'm going to let anyone get close enough to me to find out.

5. This is the most monotonous task i've ever had to endure.

6. I have very little faith in humanity and i am the most cynical person i have ever met.
I don't know why, but everything pisses me off. Not everything so much, just a-lot of most things. Why did that person say that? Surely that girl over there knows she is pissing me of? Why doesn't she stop? What is that group of guys wearing? When do i benefit from this situation? Why me? Life is a series of trials and tribulations, not just for yourself, but for your tolerance levels of other people going through their trials and tribulations. Find a hobby like complaining, run with it for a decade and watch as it blossoms into a complex that may or may not involve a mailbag and an ak-47.

7. I played Gears of War 2 for six hours straight yesterday.
AND my girlfriend was in my bedroom with me the whole time.
I win.

Monday, February 2, 2009

An open letter to Prime Minister Rudd.

"The Rudd Government today announced five key $950 one-off payments for low and middle income households and individuals.
The Government is providing these cash payments to immediately support jobs and strengthen the Australian economy during a severe global recession. These targeted cash bonuses are a key element of the Government’s $42 billion Nation Building and Jobs Plan to support up to 90,000 Australian jobs".

Dear Kevin,

First of all, i think a congratulations is due. Not only are you a Prime Minister, but you are also giving me $950. I can totally see why you're Prime Minister now. John Howard throws 10% on top of everything i buy and you just give me $950 like it's nothing. The only time i've ever received a similar amount to that is on Christmas or my birthday, but both of those occasions don't count because i worked hard to make it to both of them.
It is for this reason that i find you to be stronger and more handsome than John Howard and you can probably run faster as well.
Now, i don't know anything about our government, treasuries, Prime Ministers or anything like that, but i know that getting free money is more important than all of those things will ever be.
I'm not sure about your intentions for the money but i'm thinking about just blowing it all on material objects that catch my eye at the time. I could invest it or save it or give it to the poor, but with the impending recession (there's another word i know nothing about!) i think an impromptu spending spree with no logical thought behind it is the perfect way to enjoy your gift.

Out of sheer respect for you, here's a list of what i intend on buying.

* Video games.
* Designer sunglasses.
* That's about it.

Also, do you think could you give me a little bit more money? I know heaps of people that make more than me that are getting the same amount and i'd be happy to call them out if it meant a little extra land on my estate. Also, it'd be pretty great if you could get it to me earlier than April as well, that way we can get the ball rolling on this whole 'video games and sunglasses' thing i'm trying to get going over here.

Let me know how you go brother, you can reply in the comments section or send an email to the address on the left. Once again, i know that John Howard is rolling in his grave over how much of a champ you are. Keep it up and get the/more money to me as soon as possible.

Your friend,