Monday, December 29, 2008

Martin Clunes is the reason we all exist today.

Have you ever wondered where you came from? Ever found yourself staring into space, attempting to decipher the riddle that is your existence? Well, you don't need to do that anymore, stop doing it.
Whilst there is no tangible proof that Martin Clunes' is the creator of the universe, he is definately the lead character in the first sitcom to incorporate a humorous doctor character and you needn't go further than one episode of 'Doc Martin' to have your eyes opened to the point of blasphemy.
Having seen an entire season of Doc Martin, i went to the trouble of writing an episode for him that i think would be perfect for a comeback special or an anniversary episode.

Scene 1.

- A bed-ridden transvestite with cancer, aids, leprosy and pregnancy is complaining about all the stuff that's wrong with her/him and there's some really soppy music playing in the background.

- The village idiot walks in and says something really awkward like "at least you've got your health!" Everyone stands around wishing they were elsewhere.

Scene 2.

- Someone calls Doc Martin and his imbecile secretary almost ruins the whole transaction/episode but somehow manages to get Doc Martin on the job just in time.

- Doc Martin rolls up to the scene in the same car that the pope has and immediately dispels the awkwardness created by the village idiot with a really witty line.

- Turning his attention towards the patient, Doc Martin tells her that she was never meant to live and she just dies from laughing. He then casts a charisma spell that makes everyone fall in love with him and then he realises that it wasn't even a spell, it's just him being a great guy.

Scene 3.

- After a big day of saving lives and making jerks feel insignificant, Doc Martin retires to his castle for his seven day resurrection sleep. Upon entering his abode, all the hottest women in the world are waiting in his bed wearing skimpy nurse costumes. He impregnates all of them except one because she had an annoying disposition.

- Credits: Doc Martin collaborates with the black version of Michael Jackson for a remix of 'Heal the World' in which he moonwalks better and more efficiently than Michael Jackson ever could.

The End.

I'm currently in talks with BBC regarding the above episode, send them an email if you want it to happen.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A blog is like a homeless person, it only performs if you feed it.

I'm really sorry, it's been a week since my last update and i have ridiculous amounts of photos and wicked stories to post up. Christmas kicked me pretty hard in the nuts but i had a really nice time over all and i think everyone benefited from having me around.
I'm going skateboarding today so look out for my "Just a group of friends, skating through the streets, expressing themselves!" post. It's going to be choc full of friendship, art and the pursuit of the perfect place to spend time with your friends and land that special trick that you've always wanted to share with yourself.

And to the clueless motherfuckers that were coming into my work at the end of every day last week and finger-fucking the racks and molesting all the jeans after they've been cleaned up, i've been working on a special roundhouse kick that not only decapitates you, but also takes a photo of you at the exact point of impact for me to post on my blog and show everyone how much of a pussy you are. So by all means, do it again next year and give me an excuse to use it.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope next year is a little easier for you all aka i'll try and post more often next year.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

No Deal.

I fucking knew it! For the whole five minutes i've seen of 'Deal or no Deal' i always thought to myself, "this is the type of guy that would go out, fall on girls, smoke cigarettes in a gutter and then get in a stranger's commodore ute for a lift home".
And now, thanks to some guy with a mobile phone camera (a shitty one at that) i have evidence of my theory.

Seriously though, it's good to see that Andrew O'keefe hasn't forgotten that no matter how successful and well-known you become, everyone in the Kiwi fruit business takes it in the ass.

Friday, December 12, 2008

F the Police.

Entry to the Staple Magazine launch = Free.

One Golden Pheasant, Two Coopers Pale longnecks, One Corona, Three Asahis and entry to the Dorcia Nightclub = More than i wanted to spend.

Driving through Northbridge with Ludacris blasting and accidentally bumping into your friends whilst said music is playing = Stylish.

Drive-by handshakes = See 'Stylish'.

Realising in the midst of being stylish that you've driven down a one way street on one of the busiest thoroughfares in the city = Not so stylish.

Instant semi-inconspicuous U-turn recovery = Full recovery of any previously lost style points.

Being pulled over by officers of the law immediately afterwards = Instant loss of any previously recovered style points.

Drink driving in an unlicensed vehicle with no proof of license = One year maximum penalty.

Instantly re-learning of 23 years of discarded good manners training on the spot and applying them to afformentioned officers of the law = Get out of Jail free card.

Blogging about it once you get home = Priceless.

Friday, December 5, 2008

It's war (handsomeness war)

First of all, i'd like to say that while i completely condone homosexuality and the various activities and pursuits that lie within such genetic inheritances/lifestyle choices/sexual orientations, i'm not gay and i don't intend on becoming gay as a result of the following post or during any time between my birth and/or death.
With that said, i think that Jay-z is waaaayyy hotter than Jim Jones, and i have the statistics to prove it.
Jim Jones doesn't think so though.

In a recent interview with some magazine, the Dipset ringleader and notorious bigmouth let his ego take the mic and proceeded to make statements like:

"I can model and do the business"
"He’s [Jay-z] not that savvy, not that fly"

and my favourite

"All he has is a gorgeous flow—my momma raised a gorgeous child".

Now, i'm all for arrogance but i'm not down for arrogance that isn't due. And this shit is so not due that it almost does a complete 360 and becomes due again. You can't just hang out with Dame Dash for a couple of years, release one catchy radio hit and a mediocre album and start talking all reckless against the god mc. A little bit of Hip-Hop died when Jim Jones started talking and dressing the way he does so i'm going to set the story straight with my newly invented and completely copyrighted 'Tyson Beckford meter of Rapper Hotness'. It basically uses Tyson Beckford as the prime example of how someone in the model industry should look, and how Jim Jones and Jay-z compare when pitted against such perfection. Once more, I'm not gay.

And there you have it, the most unbiased and totally relevant comparison of Jay-z and Jim Jones that you will ever see. I think my method is best suited to two males working in the same industry when one thinks that he his hotter than the other. Feel free to use it, but be careful, it's disturbingly accurate. Now excuse me while i go and cut some trees down.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Ultra post mega.

Music: New Jay-z song from the soundtrack to that Biggie film that's coming out soon. Kanye made the beat, fresh off the cuddle-fest that was '808's and Heartbreak'.

Newsflash: Venice has always been flooded. Check out Grandma on the left, it's cute that she thinks spraying water at the flood will make it run away like the dogs that try and steal her sausages.

Current Events: The sky was freaking everybody out last night, now i have something to talk about during those awkward moments when i bump into someone that i haven't seen for ten years and they end up catching me for one of those "so, whaddya been up to?" conversations.

Entertainment/Fashion: I checked hypebeast for my daily dose of comedy this morning and came across something not so humorous. Apparently the photo on the left won an award for adhering to the following guidelines:
"Learn from the wisdom accumulated by our predecessors all over the world, find good points in such long-established merchandise, and convert them into a design that fits our modern life. We expect to see our “yes, of course” products that are also great in the modern age".

So basically, take a picture of something boring and shit, and make it look awesome.
My photo (right) was taken about six months ago and is the definition of this technique. The problem i have here is that my photo has clearly been copied, photoshopped and entered into the competion as the entry you see on the left. I don't know what a Muji award is, but you could imagine my disgust when i found out that i should definately have one.
Disclaimer: Apologies for the forced post, i'll throw some youtube clips in the next one.