Monday, July 21, 2008

The Aftermath

This conversation went down between myself and my friend Robbie Blue Eyes after the news had circulated. Robbie is a true Rick Ross fan and is devastated by the news.
Here are some quotables:

most high "selassie I" says:
so you are saying the "boss" is actually the "man"
Benjamin says:
most high "selassie I" says:
Benjamin says:
i know

most high "selassie I" says:
most high "selassie I" says:
he was the reason i am who i am today

Benjamin says:
we're all hurting robbie
Benjamin says:
it's just one of those things, it'll heal with time
most high "selassie I" says:
it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and he is holding it and hitting it with his prison issue baton

Benjamin says:
what do you think you'll do now?
most high "selassie I" says:
i cant go on knowing my hero is a fake
most high "selassie I" says:
so i think i might idolise bob dylan
most high "selassie I" says:
wear brown pants and ride a fixie
most high "selassie I" says:
goodbye my friend. scarves and tight pants here i come

most high "selassie I" says:
nah no wayz stay true to my roots till the day i decide to be a boss
most high "selassie I" says:
and quit my cop job

Benjamin says:
this conversation is going to be posted on my blog by the way
most high "selassie I" says:
haha why?
Benjamin says:
as a testament to how much this news is hurting people
most high "selassie I" says:
Benjamin says:
what did you think of my agro picture?
the "boss" is the "man". says:
yeah its awesome haha

As you can see, Robbie is showing signs of distress, delusion and even fury. The only signal i got that Robbie is going to be ok is that he thought my Agro picture was awesome, which it most defintately is.
There is still hope, more to come.

Everyday i'm hustlin (prison guard remix feat. Jo Ellyn Racleff)

Last week i read rumors of Rick Ross' previous work as a correctional officer. I saw photos, read comments and immediately shook the allegations off as an attempt to vilify a wonderful man. I felt bad for Rick because i know that if this slander turns out to be fact, he's in a lot of trouble.

Well, not long ago, those rumors made the transition to fact. Rick Ross the boss has been proven as a prison guard with testaments from a DoC spokesperson who dealt with him while he was on his watch. His salaries and real name have been posted on the internet for all to see and i'm guessing now that some of the stuff he raps about might not be true.
I'm actually listening to him right now and it really hurts to hear him talk about dealing coke, running miami and being a born and bred hustling machine.
Why did you have to do this to me Ricky? I believed in you, i blindly followed every word you spoke and even aspired to one day be like you minus the tattoos and the beard because i can't grow one. Remember that time you went shopping for air max and i watched it on youtube? Remember the speedin' film clip where you jumped off the bridge and somehow landed on a boat, completely dry and with a brand new outfit on?
None of that matters anymore. You worked in a prison and you told porkies and you're a big jerk and i hate you. Lil Wayne is gonna kick your ass and Young Jeezy isn't going to want to hang out with you anymore.
I'm still going to listen to your music every now and then and if you decide to make another album, i'm going to consider buying it.
But until then, you are un-signed to me.
Up yours.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

34 posts deep and look what i had for breakfast.

It's not a milestone, but seeing the number 34 next to how many posts i've made gave me a wonderful sense of e-accomplishment. I celebrated this morning by having krispy kremes and fried chicken for breakfast whilst listening to the new Nas album (which is really, really good and contains issues that some of you may not be able to understand yet).
While i celebrate this milestone (it's a milestone now) i'd also like to pay my deepest respects to Olive, the worlds oldest blogger who passed away on the 12th of this month. She is 108 and her blog is what i want my blog to look like when i am 108 or whatever age my current diet of doughnuts and kfc will allow me to reach.
The sad part is, i see very little mention of Olive's passing in our own tabloids. Instead, i get the news that Ben Cousins has been approached by Channel 7 to appear in the next series of Dancing with the stars. Why is Ben Cousins even still around? He played football for a living, took some drugs and lost his job. Since then he's been a hero, a male model and now a dancer. He could go from his house to the shops and before he got home he would have made the front page of the West Australian with the headline 'Ben shops for a new beginning' and a ten page story on how brave he is.
Perth needs to get off this guy's nuts, Olive and her blog are much more important.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Dark Knight is better than Casablanca and Schindler's list

I actually feel really bad for writing a review about this movie before i saw it. Whilst it was very well written, covered all bases and actually defied the conventions of what people expect from a review, it did this film no justice.
The cast, Heath Ledger in general, the acting, the sounds that Batman's fist would make when it greeted an enemy's skull. No expense was spared and not a single drop of talent was put to waste when this movie was created. I even let Morgan Freeman off the hook for featuring in that movie with the genetically engineered sharks. That's how phenomenal this film is.

Make sure you pack a lunch and go to the toilet several times before you enter Gotham City though, you're going to be staying there for a good two and a half hours (three if you count the time it will take to re-adjust your face after the credits have rolled). Even if you do feel the urge, don't worry about 'going' in the cinema, i could actually smell the urine in the air from people that were physically scared to go to the toilet because they didn't want to miss a second of this cinematic equivalent of the bible.

Go and see this before it comes out on dvd.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Spam Burger.

Here's the lengths those crazy indians will go to for a little bit of inbox love.

"Bonjour, How to keep your girlfriend happy ...

"Something to buy gloves.' 'oh, where will i find hast said is true. Thy words, however, are exceedingly kshatriyas, the (royal) brothers, mace in hand, generated there by (such) friction of countless countenance to idolatry. And shall we thus harden alone for that end. Accordingly they werenever happy in his illustration, when, in his concluding towards the plain, are immense and, if credence received and handed over to the committee, was thou art eternal brahman! thou art that highest induced my voyage and the adventures i had encountered. Altogether seven (domestic) and seven(wild) animals hermia was playing her game rather ruthlessly the body of my preceptor's lady. I shall stay going back, anyway, and he repeated: if you go".

If any metal/emo/screamo/goth-core/gay-tech bands are ever looking for a cool name, they needn't look any further than the above email.
I've even gone to the liberty of picking a few out for those of you that don't speak indian:

- Credence Received
- Countenance to Idolatry
- Harden Alone
- Towards the Plain
- Animals Hermia
- I killed the Prom Queen
- Dashboard Confessional
- Wolverine Cyclops

An example of how feasible these names actually are:

Get at me if you're starting a band, i have about fifty of these emails on the backburner.

For Bradley

Oh my stars. I just (didn't) see the new Batman movie and it was (probably) mindblowing. The all-star line-up and fast paced action (i'm guessing) had me glued to my seat like a prisoner in an electric chair. Batman's sexy new batsuit (i'm assuming they updated it and i'm also guessing it's sexy) sent shivers down my spine and i'm sure whichever role Maggie Gyllenhal played, she was awesome in it. My favourite scenes are pretty much the ones i saw in the previews and include the bat-bike scene, the scene where Joker says something humorous, umm, the part where Christian Bale is handsome and the final scene which (hopefully) managed to answer all of my questions and didn't leave any stinky plot holes.

I'm not going to say the Dark Knight is better than Batman Begins because Batman Begins is one of my favourite movies ever, but i will say it was better than Batman forever, which was very gay and also had an incredibly gay soundtrack featuring Seal, U2, Nick Cave and Massive Attack. I heard they all stood around in the studio together with stiffies and the whole thing was produced by the highest ranking officer of the Navy.

Anyway, i suggest you go and see the Dark Knight as i have (haven't) done. Maybe afterwards you and your friends can go and get a burger and discuss who the best Batman is like those jerks who have full blown arguments over who played the best James Bond.

In related news, here is a picture of Sean Connery.
Definately the best Bond.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The scariest movie ever made.

My beef with video game to movie conversions has been put aside for the time being after i witnessed the best playstation game adaptation i have ever seen on a television screen. Any of you that are familiar with the Silent Hill series will know that if you play it for more than five minutes by yourself you will end up in a straight jacket with piss stains all over the front of your pants from how frightening the experience is. I have played through chapters 1-4 of the series and i can assure you that nothing scares me anymore. Nothing but this movie of course.

The first ten minutes of the movie pays homage to the first ten minutes of the game itself with the exact same camera angles, sounds and ghoulishness, all being used to great effect. The plot follows some concerned lady trying to find a cure for her daughter who is currently sleepwalking and having visions that would scare Charles Manson himself.
Here are a couple of things i spotted whilst watching this nasty piece of work:

- Scary little girls (way scarier than Samara of 'The Ring' fame.)
- Hot female police officers being barbecued alive.
- Ugly female citizens getting their entire coat of skin ripped off in one fell swoop by a guy with a big metal pyramid for a head and the biggest sword ever allowed by a blockbuster movie budget.
- The scariest/hottest nurses you will ever see cutting eachother with scalpels whilst their bones crack with every movement they make.
- Religion.
- Barbwire genocide inside a church.
- The scariest music ever.
- Sirens that kindly let you know when a scary bit is coming up, even though the sirens themselves are the scariest part of the movie.

I tried to turn it off when things took a turn for the worse but was too horrified to venture within a one metre radius of the screen or anywhere else in the house for that matter. If i wanted, i could charge this movie for assault and witchery without consent.
Here is a picture.
*Warning, this review contains spoilers.

Product Reviews

Sony Cybershot Digital Soul Capturer. My friend Joel gave me this camera a while ago and up until now it has been an absolute trooper. It has survived a million nights out on 'the piss', skateboarding trips, photoshoots and countless journeys from my hands to the ground with no assistance in between. It was almost the most reliable sony product i had ever owned until the other day when the button you use to take the photos snapped off in a callous display of electronic defiance. I was pissed to say the least. Why, out of every other function on the camera, would this button decide to fail?
Here are some things i would have preffered to have broken:
-The viewfinder.
-The dial that you use to select what kind of shot you take.
-The sony and/or cybershot logos.
-Kyle Sandilands life.
-Not the button you use to take the photos.

I highly recommend this camera for people that want their stuff to break in the most unfair and irrepairable way possible after owning it for about a year.

The new and improved 'Mother' energy liquid.Yes, the self proclaimed mother of all energy drinks is back to reclaim the throne that it never had because it tasted like human shit mixed with everything you would find on a spice rack. What better way to return than with a new formula that "tastes nothing like the old one!"? If you ever have to write this on a product, chances are you shouldn't be making anything.

The thing is, the new formula isn't that bad. It tastes kinda like Red Bull and V mixed with V and Red Bull with a touch of glucuronolactone. Plus, it comes in a 'big black can' (racist) and something about man-bags and inferior packaging.Be sure to store it at 'freeze your nuts off' temperature. If your fridge doesn't have this setting, general liquid storage temperature will suffice. Make sure you aren't 'up the duff' or a 'lame legal guy' when you are drinking it, you might not reach the full energy potential that this product proposes.

Another bonus, it's fucking ginormous. You actually need a ladder to open it.

Pamela Anderson.

I saw her on Big Brother the other night and i'm pretty sure she still goes like the clappers. She's currently into partying and animals and stuff.

Friday, July 4, 2008

I am (almost) psychic.

Remember yesterday how i was complaining about a lack of natural disasters or any form of chaos? Well, my prayers were semi-answered today in the form of a residential house fire. Normally seeing a fire requires the chasing of a smoke oasis or the application of match to matchbox but not this morning, someone had gone to the liberty of doing all the work for me. All i had to do was walk around and take photos while people ran around doing that whole stop, drop and roll thing.
What's with that anyway? It it that hard to just grab a hose and wash yourself off?

See? How much better does this street look now that there's a little smoke in the air?
As you can see by the cars, i wasn't the only one trying to get a piece of the action. People claim that it's terrible when something like this happens, but they are always the first in line to visually capitalise on the situation.
Fire trucks add to a street's character. Before, this was just an ordinary roundabout, now you could practically charge people to come and hang out here.

At this point, i could hear glass being smashed and firefighters fucking about in the house. I don't blame them. If i was given an axe and a big ass hose i'd probably forget that there was ever a fire to fight.

Here is a picture of some firefighters kicking it at their favourite spot.

This man is the reason my morning was so awesome. Thanks again Blanket-Guy!

This snake in the grass was trying to steal all my angles.

He was from some t.v station, i think that logo stands for not being able to cover an event as well as i can.

These two asked me what i was up to. I responded, "Oh, i don't know, just a little thing called TRULY HEINOUS.BLOGSPOT.COM! So how about, get out of my way and peep how a proffesional does it?". They obliged and tried to interview me afterwards. I told them that i was sick of being interviewed and to give the civilians their five seconds of fame.

This guy didn't give up, he stood right in front of me and proceeded to operate his oversized media recording mechanism. He looked kind of flammable so I told him there was a cat being rescued on the other side of the house and he gave me a hundred dollars for giving him the hot tips. He didn't bother me after that.

If you're going to be seen at a big event like this, i think it's a person's responsibility to wear something a little more appropriate. Go back to bed or go back to bed.

So, i figure if anything i type on this blog happens the next day i'm going to go ahead and say, infinite money, endless pop tarts and more fires as long as no-one gets hurt.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I want there to be a gnarly storm or something.

Nothing cool happens anymore. I remember back in the day there used to be the craziest storms where people would get blown around by the wind and impaled on white picket fences and then it would rain so hard that their bodies would get washed down the street and no one would even say anything because it was standard practice.
Now we get annoying mist rain that doesn't stop and thunder so insignificant that dogs don't even raise an eyelid to it. I thought global warming was going to fuck shit up? I pray every night for catastrophic disasters, so should you.
Here is teh photos.
Fuck i hate this bitch.
Oops? As if i'm accidentally bankrupt. Look at how fucking smug she is as well. " You're Broke! Tee hee hee!". If they replaced her with a small, balding taxation officer with a mean scowl i'd be much happier to accept the fact that i'm eating mi goreng for the rest of the week.

This stuff is called rage. I tried it and suddenly had the strength of 1000 men and the patience of 26 women with the most intense pms you could ever imagine. The come down was the equivalent of losing a loved one.
Dancing shoes x jetty x water that you can't really see. One of the most pointless collaborations i've ever come across.