Thursday, May 29, 2008

No country for old pussies.

I finally watched this movie the other night called 'No Country for Old Men' after months of passing it off as another gay cowboy movie. The thing is, if you even looked at this guy sideways he'd cut your dick off, somehow make a bullet out of it and then shoot you in the face with it, killing you and anyone around you on impact. The cops would then show up at the scene and laugh at you because he'll make it appear that you died whilst giving yourself a hummer.
Then he'll go and kill a dog because he can but also to cover his tracks. (Note: He actually kills a dog in the film. Hollow man is probably the only other guy to ever kill a dog on camera but he's a pussy compared to this guy.)
In fact, i'd go as far to say that he is the hardest man ever to grace a dvd cover and having him walk around and deface people with a captive bolt pistol is a pretty well thought out concept for a movie.
The only let down is the end in which (spoiler alert) Tommy Lee Jones sits there and looks old for about forty five minutes before the credits roll. I think he says some stuff but he wasn't killing anyone at the time so i wasn't really paying attention.

Five stars.

Sucking the glass willy isn't cool anymore.

Didn't you get the memo?
I have a high that is much more attractive to indulge in and won't make you look silly. It will take you to 'the place', but instead of leaving you high and dry in an alleway eating your own puke and begging for money, it will instead give you a lift home to your warm bed and kindly refuse any money that you offer it.
It's called 'Fily Folly' and it is better than ice and subsequently, a-lot harder to find.

That's right, fairy floss and bubblegum, together at last. The fairy floss character on the packaging is buzzing so hard that he's actually eating himself.

The blanket shape symbolises how warm and fuzzy you will feel after 'getting on'. No pipes, no light globes, no fucking around basically.

The transition from fairy floss to gum is unlike anything you will ever experience. Discard your cherished childhood memories of fairy floss melting in your mouth and enjoy as fily folly performs a metamorphosis that can't even be explained and probably never will be.

Follow it up with a pack of these and in no time you'll be running around getting in everyone's face and telling them how much you love them and that it's a real shame that you don't hang out anymore.

Side effects include increased blood sugar levels and a rapid heartbeat but at least you weren't hanging out on the corner of William and Wellington offering rim-jobs for your next score.

Friday, May 16, 2008

How to win at life and make Tzatziki dip.

First things first. Go and buy a packet of 50g Smith's crisps (chicken flavour if salt and vinegar isn't available) and take particular note of the 'Footy legends' promo. Ignore the fact that to be a legend nowadays all you have to do is snort blow and knock people out. Here's the important part. Instead of getting one 'footy legends' card in your packet, get three. Don't open them, they are merely pieces of decorated cardboard celebrating a sport that isn't really significant. You are now on your way to being a winner.
Next step, buy some of this. Ask your girlfriend if she has ever done it 'Greek Style' and see what happens.
Get this, pretty sure it's garlic.
That's a cucumber being shaved. You need cucumber to make Tzatziki. Make jokes that involve you placing the cucumber near your crotch area and aiming it at your friends.
That's lemon rind and cucumber shavings in the bowl. Pretty sure there's some lemon juice in there as well. Either way, winning is almost certain now.
Add a little s&p. You've never been closer to winning at this point in time.
In the words of Rick Ross 'Whip it real hard, whip it whip it real hard'. (No homo).
Olive oil that sucker like you would until your dip resembles a cracked open egg. Fact: Lil Wayne often makes references to cracked open eggs in his songs. Not to brag about the colour of his jewelry, but to display his love for a nice bowl of the 'ziki.Congratulations, you now know how to do it 'Greek Style'. You can only eat this dip with Turkish Bread or Surf brand corn chips. Anything else is digestive blasphemy.
Now for the final step. Call one of your good friends, one that you normally share intelligent conversation with and ask them what they are doing. Whilst they are telling you, cut them off halfway and tell them you are eating Tzatziki and it appears that they are not. Wait for the awkward silence, for this will be the exact moment in which you are winning at life. Bask in it for however long it lasts (five to ten seconds usually) and hang up on them.
You win.

Thursday, May 15, 2008


My friend Joe doesn't like paying for anything that doesn't get him intoxicated. This bus ticket is no exception. You have to give it to the guy (no homo), this does NOT look like it has been altered in any way, shape or form. If i was a bus driver, i'd let Joe on just because of how legitimate he made it look.
Dance at the bus stop to avoid suspicion.
Make sure there is an old lady in your radius when you enter the bus. People generally feel sorry for older citizens. Play on this sympathy as you walk straight bus the bus driver.
A-lot of people don't know what it feels like to be this happy. Joe has it down pat.

CaN we riDez teh wHeeLchAirS pleez?

This ride is in East Perth. Benny and I were really upset when we realised that you need a special key to operate the swing. I thought it was kind of discriminatory against people that aren't in wheelchairs but seeing as this was the first mechanical wheelchair ride i had ever seen, i'm going to let it slide.
I could have said 'let it swing' but i hate it when people use puns and then apologise for them to be clever or try and cover up the fact that they did it on purpose.

No Benny, you can't ride the swing today. Done.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Indie 500

I thought it would have gone out of fashion a while ago, but the indie scene/way of life shows no signs of deteriorating any time soon. So instead of questioning it, i am now embracing it. They are a fairly harmless people with a general acceptance of cardigans, canvas shoes and all things art. Whilst at work yesterday I had the pleasure of two of my closest indian friends visiting me at my place of occupation. We chatted for a while and i noticed that the Indie tote bags they were holding were free of meaningful symbols or any other ink applied symbology. Lentil had the light beige joint and quiche was rocking the black so it was up to Lentil to do the deed. That's right, I asked him to do it. Even more amazing was that when i asked him if he needed a texta he happily presented a small pouch full of artliners in a large range of colours. If that isn't Indie, I don't know what is.

Here's how it goes down.

Make sure you're wearing some burgundy coloured footwear. Olive, navy, brown and black are also acceptable. Have your artliner at the ready.

Apply the medium to the surface. Notice the straightness of the lines and the scratching method to fill in the blanks. This is indie in it's purest form.

Here's a close-up view. Things are looking pretty good from this angle.

The finished product. Notice how the straightness of the stance almost matches the lettering. This is indie at it's most ferocious.

What does HAF mean?

If you want to take it to the next level, you could ride one of these bad boys around. If indie were a vehicle, it would be the Penny Farthing.

Back on my grizzly like a bear skin rug.

I saw a link to my blog from another blog yesterday so i clicked on it and realised that i haven't added jack shit to it since my very first post about infinity years ago. My only excuse is that i quarter forgot that I had started it, I quarter didn't have a camera and I half have the ability to fail at keeping any form of routine/consistency with even the most basic of tasks. Any other spare time I have is spent laughing at the token midget from Big Brother who not only broke her stupid little leg the other day but also has some very provocative photos circulating the internet. Then I laugh even more imagining her using a general public issue set of crutches and dangling from them like a gymnast would on some parallel bars.

Either way, I have a couple of updates and there will be a more constant flow of material on this page from now on, that's a promise/complete lie.

For the time being, here is a picture of a real midget or 'legitimidget' as i like to call them.
Damn, shawty.